Posthumanism: Romanian scenery 5

Author
Recent Posts

PhD Student with a focus on German Idealism, Phenomenology, Post-Modernism, Speculative Realism, and Post-Colonial Studies.

The vampire

The vampire was the nickname of a guy from my neighbourhood that became somewhat of a known figure when he went to jail. He was called ‘vampire’ not because he had out of the ordinary abilities, or because he was a blood-feasting psycho. He was called that because his front teeth were missing, which made his canines stick out. Simple as that.

He entered the collective imaginary of our local community when he returned from jail with insider stories. One of them was about self-enhancement. He reported how inmates use small steel balls to enhance their endownment. They stick them inside their penis – so he said – to make their organs seem thicker and assert their falic authority. How exactly they do it remains a mistery to me, he didn’t go into detail. I also thought this story is just a fictive narrative to overcome boredom. Years later however, to my surprise, I heard a second account of this from Sisu – one of the godfathers of romanian hip-hop (with some jailtime himself). He raps about “inmates enhancing their penises with steel balls, to make them big enough to be seen from a satellite in orbit”. Why a satellite would ever spy on people’s penises elludes me.

The migrating biceps

This is a second-hand story I heard from a friend about a self-made symbol of embodied controversies, who at one point in time garnered immense (underground) social media attention. He was famous for his swollen physique and constant threats made to random people. He was also famous for claiming to be able to talk to God or to other voices reserved only to him.

As I said his first imposing feature was his physique. He had a bodybuilders physique that was accenuated by the tightest t-shirts on the market. As is usual with self-enhancement though, no present state of affairs is satisfactory. So our charachter – who will just call Bob for this story – decided to get implants in his biceps and triceps to have a more assertive and imposing presence.

The story goes that Bill, a friend of Bob, got a phone call late at night from a panicking Bob:

Bob: “Come over right away!”

Bill: “Why? It’s late”

Bob: “just come! I need help!”

Bill: “Tell me what’s wrong, or I won’t come”

Bob: “My biceps migrated to my triceps!”

Bill, being a good friend, went over to Bob’s house and spent the night massaging his biceps implant back in place.

The succes

Until now the enhancements depicted didn’t really seem to enhance anything at all. They are by no means an improvement to the quality of life of individuals. This next story will change the narrative.

A boy in my neighborhoud suffered a bike accident that demanded he get brain surgery. After the surgery he was left with a metal plate in his head protecting his most precious organ. However, or so the story goes, he was told by doctors to avoid any impact to the hea, no matter how small, or he could risk life-threatening situations.

The boy however, being a born hustler, used the situation to his advantage. Knowing well that most fear being associated with death or that most won’t enter conflicts when the possibility of death is real, he spread the story about his metal plate. He detailed how any blow to his head would result in his immediate death. His story was known by all. He made use of this really well. He would rob kids of their pocket money threatening either to beat them up if not – without the fear of repercussion, or to hit himself in the head thus making it seem like the other kids have killed him.

His risk payed off. Nobody challenged him and he made his way through pocket money unscaved.